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It’s not everyone’s cup of tea, but for some clients, using poetry in therapy sessions, writing it or reading the work of other poets, can be hugely therapeutic, helping them to find words to express their feelings and process their experiences. With Halloween being everywhere this week, I was reminded of a particular poem I’ve worked with in the past:
You should dance with the skeletons in your closet.
Learn their names,
so you can ask them to leave.
Have coffee with your demons.
Ask them important questions like, “what keeps you here?”
Learn what doors they keep finding open,
and kick them out.
By Pierre Alex Jeanty, taken from Sparking Her Own Flame
As a therapist, my role is to support individuals as they navigate the intricate landscape of their minds, often involving unearthing buried emotions, fears, and stories. One powerful metaphor that often comes up in my practice is the concept of "skeletons in the closet." This metaphor beautifully encapsulates the emotional baggage we carry and the hidden aspects of our lives that influence our mental wellbeing.
It is more often used negatively, perhaps to describe a dark past or an illicit secret, but the metaphor can also be used to explore thoughts around the emotional burdens we carry. If our skeletons and demons are our very own thoughts and feelings, are they something to be afraid of? Can we find ways to learn their names and why they are there? Can we find a way to make peace with them or do they need to be kicked out?
The Closet as a Symbol of the Mind
In this therapeutic narrative, the closet serves as a symbolic representation of the human mind. Just as we keep clothes, mementos, and personal belongings inside a physical closet, we store memories, emotions, and experiences within our mental closets. Some of these items are neatly organised, while others are haphazardly stashed away, hidden from view. Just like a cluttered closet can be overwhelming, a mind burdened with unprocessed emotions and unresolved issues can lead to mental distress. However, unlike a closet, the items in our minds’ closet are not always emotions or memories we have made a conscious decision to store and this can make them harder to accept or difficult to dispel.
The Weight of Secrets
Suppressing these thoughts, feelings and memories can amplify them over time. In the beginning, it can feel like we’re taking control by locking those emotions down, and sometimes that is what we need to do in the moment to cope, but when we don’t take stock of our mental closet every now and then, we can reach the point of overwhelm. Carrying these hidden skeletons can feel like an immense burden, contributing to anxiety, depression, and a sense of powerlessness. Holding on to these unresolved issues and feelings is like adding weights to our emotional backpack. Over time, the load becomes too heavy to bear, affecting our mental wellbeing and in some cases affecting our physical wellbeing too. Clients often express a sense of relief and lightness when they finally share their burdens in therapy.
The Role of Shame
Shame often plays a significant role in keeping these skeletons hidden. People might feel ashamed of their past actions or experiences, believing that they are unworthy of love and understanding. Shame can be an insidious emotion, trapping individuals in a cycle of self-blame and self-doubt. Through therapy, clients can begin to address and challenge the shame associated with their experiences, fostering self-acceptance and self-compassion.
The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up
I am not suggesting we can do a Marie Kondo and have a radical clear out of our emotions and experiences, but there is certainly something life changing about addressing the parts of our lives and of ourselves that don’t “spark joy”.
For individuals seeking therapy, the skeletons may vary greatly. Some might be grappling with childhood trauma, others with the scars of failed relationships, and some with unresolved grief. It's important to remember that everyone's closet is unique, and what constitutes a skeleton or demon for one person may not hold the same weight for another. In therapy, it's my role to provide a safe and supportive environment for clients to open their closets and examine these hidden burdens without fear of judgement.
The Healing Process
Therapy serves as a safe space to begin the process of confronting and addressing those burdens; taking the first tentative steps to dancing with those skeletons. It is a journey of self-discovery, self-acceptance, and healing. In therapy, clients are encouraged to:
- Explore: Together in sessions, we can start to tentatively open those closet doors to explore what lies within. This can involve talking about current events, recounting past experiences, sharing emotions, and examining beliefs and thought patterns.
-Share and Release: Clients are encouraged to share their experiences without judgment. By giving voice to their feelings and experiences, they take the first step in releasing the emotional burden that they feel has been weighing upon them.
- Understanding and Acceptance: Therapy provides a safe and empathetic environment for clients to gain a deeper understanding of themselves. This understanding often leads to self-acceptance and a more compassionate view of themselves and those they care for.
- Developing Coping Strategies: As clients start to feel comfortable open up about their issues, therapy can equip them with coping strategies and tools to take forward into real-life scenarios. When we are better equipped to process our emotions and experiences in the moment, we are less likely to stuff them to the back of the closet.
- Rebuilding and Growth: Healing is a process, and it often involves rebuilding one's sense of self or viewing it from a new perspective. This in turn promotes personal growth and self-improvement, allowing clients to move beyond the past and embrace a more positive future.
The Importance of Timing
It's crucial to recognise that the decision to address the skeletons in our closet is deeply personal and varies from person to person. Some individuals may come to therapy with a specific issue in mind and are ready to tackle it head-on, while others may take time to build trust and comfort with their therapist before opening up. Some clients might not know what it is they wish to address, but just know that they don’t feel like themselves, or something just isn’t right. And that’s ok too. The timing of when and how to tell our stories is unique to each individual and, as a therapist, I respect and support my clients in their journey and meet them at whichever point they are.
Cultural and Societal Influences
The way we view and manage our skeletons in the closet can also be heavily influenced by cultural and societal norms. Some cultures may place a strong emphasis on family or community reputation and stigmas around mental health can make it more challenging for individuals to talk about their feelings or personal trauma openly. In such cases, therapy can provide a safe and confidential space for individuals to navigate these complex dynamics and make decisions that align with their values.
Breaking the Cycle
One powerful aspect of therapy is the potential to break generational cycles of trauma and emotional suppression. When individuals confront their own skeletons, they have the opportunity to break free from patterns that may have been passed down through generations. This can lead to healing not only for themselves, but for their families and future generations as well.
Dancing with Our Skeletons and Having Coffee with Our Demons
I think the poem makes a valid point. Perhaps we do need to dance with our skeletons and have coffee with our demons, but not necessarily so that we can kick them out. I see each skeleton or demon as a valid emotion or an unmet need. More often than not, we need to make peace with these feelings, so that we can accept or process a particular experience, or learn to embrace all parts of ourselves with judgement or shame.
What if our skeleton is just a vulnerable inner child who needs our understanding and unconditional love? What if our skeleton is an element of our personality that was the protector we needed, the resilience we needed when times were harder? What if we can thank our demons for fighting the hard fights, and forgive them for continuing to be hard and cold long after we needed them to be?
We can ask them to leave or make peace with them and ask them to stay. It doesn’t matter, as long as we introduce ourselves and get to know them. In therapy, I have witnessed incredible transformations as clients unearth and address their skeletons, freeing themselves from the shackles of the past and ultimately finding a path toward greater mental and emotional wellbeing.
